WHAT happened to the good old days of gold bars in the stomach? Oh no, no, the air traveler makes it through customs alright. He just hits a small snag -bumper to bumper traffic in the intestines. "Drink a lot of water and
they pass out" was the mission briefing. But as they don't pass out, he passes out in pain. With nothing exiting for ten days despite gallons of water and stool softeners, he ends up on the surgery table with a case of Acute Intestinal Obstruction. But like 007, he guards the truth with his life, er, tummy: "Doc, I had an argument with the wife and swallowed a bottle cap in anger." See? Never keep the anger bottled up inside you...
The surgeon starts his process. "Scalpel, forceps, ..., metal detector."Metal detector? Oh, it's just a handheld one, not those big ones you see at airports. After all, this guy is no sumo wrestler.
The surgery ends with finding no bottle cap, but twelve gold bars. Operation Gold Diggingis a success nevertheless. The patient's post-op recovery room - a not so pleasant police station.
This is the true story of a 63 year old businessman flying in from Singapore to India, world's second largest bullion consumer, by swallowing the gold 'biscuits'.
The precious metal also transits in through neighboring countries, originating from the other major gold hub, Dubai. But this is not really the transit facility we had in mind.
Alas, the limited number of body cavities allow only so much stash to be transported. The appetite, literally, has become bigger -too large for the mere human abdomen to hold. What's needed now is the abdomen of a human hauling jumbo jet.
And so, Biman BG 052, with 106 kg of gold, takes off from Dubai. In order to evade anti aircraft artillery and surface to air missiles from nearby regions of conflict, the aircraft makes a sharp bank to the right. The maneuver, known as the 'Sonali Bank', sets the aircraft on its eastward flight path. Thank heavens for the eastern bearing, otherwise it could have been hijacked by Somalian pirates.
The gold is stashed in the toilets, rendering the toilet seats far more expensive than those in first class. Welcome aboard - now there is economy class, business class and Bappi Lahiri class. And the urge to use the toilet is indeed 'the gold rush'. As the plane makes its final descent, the announcement is made: "We will be landing shortly and are ending our bar service, including gold bars."
Smuggling...It's not just gold, but also ammunition, as found recently in Habiganj.
A sudden surge? Quite the opposite. It's pure arbitrage. But there is surely a rise in whistle blowers. That's why always tip well, otherwise, get busted from a tip off.
The authorities at Dhaka or Delhi Airports surely deserve a Golden A, while the airlines don't deserve much in terms of blame. But there has to be some finger pointing. Thus, commences Operation Gold Pinger.
Let's start with the guy who brings the sack full of gold to Dubai Airport, Mr. Goldman Sachs. Next, how does so much gold make its way to the aircraft? I am half dead of thirst from not being able to take in a bottle of water while having to drink my infant's formula in a culinary display to prove that it's no detonating material. But 106 kg of gold bars? That's a couple of petite young ladies going below the radar!
Some radar...just fix it! Otherwise, don't blame India's hunger or Bangladesh's transit, for the flow of gold will continue to come From Dubai with Love by way of nondescript 007s, each with a Golden Eye, believing You Only Live Twice, risking it all with A View to [Making] a Kill, confident that he will Die Another Day.
And the un-earned millions in terms of lost tax revenues from imported gold? Once and for all, let the conscientious stop this evil, otherwise, The Man with the Golden Gun will just Live and Let Die.
The writer is an engineer & CEO turned comedian (by choice), the host of NTV's The Naveed Mahbub Show and the founder of Naveed's Comedy Club.
E-mail: naveed@naveedmahbub.com