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The burden of being "special''

Milia Ali
I vividly remember the first parentteacher meeting with my son's kindergarten teacher. I remember it because that was the day I realised that my five-year-old was not "special" - he was just one of the twenty kids in the class. As the teacher highlighted his strengths and gingerly touched upon the "areas that require improvement," it dawned upon me that my dreams about my son being a genius may not materialise. Until then, I would admiringly observe his movements, gestures and reactions and nurture a secret hope that this was an exceptional child, cut out for great things in life!
The teacher's casual comments about my son's "normal" mental and emotional development was a rude awakening. Puzzled, I asked myself: "Does she not recognise that this child is special? After all, he can repeat nursery rhymes with all the right expressions, read three full words without stuttering, recognise the colours of the rainbow and occasionally hum a Tagore number with me. How can he not be extraordinary?" Yes, I was naive but then haven't we all been there? I mean aren't most parents guilty of believing, and actively inculcating in their kids the belief that they are invincible and destined for outstanding success in their personal and professional lives? And in the process haven't we failed to equip our children with the mental ability to grapple with the angles that life throws at them, and the setbacks they have to endure?
My reflections have been partly triggered by the reviews and raging discussions on the recent book Your Are Not Special and Other Encouragements, authored by High School English teacher David McGullough Jr. McCullough created quite a controversy with his 2012 commencement speech at Wellesley High School in Massachusetts, where he bluntly told students: "You've been feted and fawned over and called sweetie pie. Yes, you have. And, certainly, we've been to your games, your plays, your recitals, and your science fairs. Absolutely, smiles ignite when you walk into a room.... But do not get the idea you're anything special. Because you're not." The book is an expansion and a sequel to the ideas he articulated in his speech.
McCullough's high school address went viral since it touched a raw nerve with parents in almost all corners of the world, particularly those who choose to boost their children's egos by sugarcoating their shortcomings. Regrettably, the complimentary gestures meant to build confidence often end up undermining a child's self esteem. A minor reversal, a small disappointment can easily unhinge a child who has not been adequately prepared to cope with failure.
Many critics as well as parents have praised McCullough's candor and courage for giving a wake-up call to an overprotected and self-centered generation. Especially children who belong to a privileged class and are pampered and mollycoddled - whose parents neglect to tell them that their graduation picture may be the centerpiece of their living room but it has no place on the world stage. Not unless they have earned that place through hard work and effort.
1 don' meant to deflate the high hopes and aspirations that most parents nurture for their children. But I do wish to draw attention to McCullough's basic conclusion that over-indulging our kids in the belief that they are "special" may set them up for disappointment in later life. Hence his key message is that we should not confuse parental love with unconditional praise!
Yes, each child is special just as all human beings are, since our very existence on this earth is a miracle. Which means my child is as special as the girl who lives in a remote village in Bangladesh and walks three miles to school. Her parents too have dreams and aspirations and the right to believe that their child will climb unprecedented heights. In any case the winners in life are not necessarily the ones who started out as "special."
It is also true that every child may have the potential to become a Mozart or a Marquez but the potential needs to be harnessed and developed. During the process many will fall, some will not succeed, some will rise and walk the distance to the goal. Despite all our superior knowledge we still don't know the exact permutation and combination of events and their sequences that will make this possibility a certainty. But it might be prudent to prepare our children for the bumps they might encounter along the road.
I have no pretensions of being a parenting expert. But the valuable lesson I took away that afternoon many years ago, while talking to my son's teacher, is that my child will always be special to me but to be special to humanity he must become more than just my child!
The writer is a renowned Rabindra Sangeet exponent and a former employee of the World Bank. E-mail: shiftingimages@gmail.com