I am still reeling from the after effects of a friend's unannounced visit last week. She is someone I see, perhaps, two or three times a year. But she always manages to leave me with a lingering feeling of gloom. You know what I mean — the kind of person who can be best described as the "harbinger of doom.” The moment she walks in through the front door, she brings in a whiff of negativity that settles so persistently that no amount of positive thinking can dilute it for days at end.
My friend is convinced that our entire world is moving towards a precipice. The United States is on the verge of an economic disaster and we are soon to see the effects in increased crime rates, loss of jobs, political upheaval. As for Bangladesh — according to her it's already "over the brink." The Middle East is an active volcano spewing religious extremists, cruel dictators and disgruntled masses. China is moving too fast for its own good; and India too slow for anyone's good. No amount of reasoning or counter argument can deter her from ranting over a future doomsday scenario!
Had her complaints been confined to the wider world outside, one could stay detached and calm. However, she has no compunction in invading the private space. In her perception, it's not only the earth that is heading towards an apocalypse; our personal lives are supposedly in disarray and set on an irreversible course of collapse!
Let me step back and digress into a generic discussion on the impact these negative people have on those around them. Like it or not, the human mind tends to absorb negativity like a sponge. Unfortunately, we cannot completely escape negativity because it's difficult to totally shirk people who spread negative energy. According to a study, "eight out of 10 people have had a toxic friend in their lives — yet 83% say they've hung onto them because it's too hard to sever ties." So, why is it difficult to shed
Positivism and resilience can be cultivated by compartmentalising to confront adversity with a degree of acceptance but not missing out on the simple happy things that life offers.
off these people who make our lives miserable? Partly it's empathetic, but mostly it's because we are unable to demarcate our private space in the social milieu.
The core question that piques me, however, is why some people continue to complain about life while others remain content with whatever they have. I concede that few people intentionally spread negative vibes and individuals are negative due to external circumstances or personal experiences. Most often a negative perspective is a side effect of some trauma that a person has suffered or problems they may been countering. Airing complaints is a coping mechanism since venting one's emotions reduces the level of frustration. If this were a temporary situation, it could be excused.
However, what becomes tiresome for others is when a friend is a habitual complainer and uses negativity as a means of attracting attention or as a social crutch. Even worse are the cynics who believe that they are being intellectually superior by picking on flaws or taking the contrarian position. In a way I feel sorry for these people because they are constantly on high alert and miss out on the pleasure of feeling good about life.
Of course, we also have another category — people who romanticise negativity. The type of character immortalised by Shakespeare's Jacques in "As You Like It" — who can "suck melancholy out of a song as a weasel sucks eggs." I don't want to put a Freudian label on these individuals but they are the eternal pessimists and may be beyond redemption, because they love being "the" miserable, tortured souls!
Research suggests that human beings are, to a large extent, genetically predisposed to being happy or sad. But the important issue is how much of this temperament can be fine-tuned by will power or changing external conditions. I believe that people can change their attitudes. For instance, I have an elderly friend who cares for an emotionally challenged adult child and a husband suffering from Parkinson's disease, but manages to remain happy and cheerful most of the time. She tells me that the secret is to compartmentalise: to confront adversity with a degree of acceptance but not to miss out on the simple happy things that life offers.
She provides a simple prescription for countering negativity: "On a pleasant evening, with the chai flowing, the samosas sizzling, the music playing and a few loved ones around, my mind can fly on wings and sing with joy. I get recharged and am ready to take the hard knocks that fate has sent my way." Her joie de vivre has convinced me that contrary to what most of us may believe, positivism and resilience can be cultivated — they are not simply genetic traits.
The writer Is a renowned Rabindra Sangeet exponent and a former employee of the World Bank.