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The biggest lawsuit ever
Aman in a black suit walks into a courthouse and says to the duty lawyer. "I'd like to file a writ, please."
The lawyer replies: "Certainly, sir. And you are?”
The man produces a name card. "My name is Cho Pub-Lik. But I represent a
group of people. It is a class action lawsuit. I represent the population of Asia."
The lawyer s surprise is shown only in the slight raising of an eyebrow. Mr. Cho adds gravely: "I realise that's a rather large number of individuals. Just over four billion."
The lawyer, undaunted, coolly takes notes. "Fine. Now, who do you want to sue?"
Mr. Cho leans forward and whispers his reply: "The West."
The lawyer blinks. "The West? The entire western world? Let me Just write that down. Okay. Is this for the small claims tribunal or the district court?"
Cho leans back in his chair and pon-
ders. "I'm not sure. I was thinking I'd like it heard at a full meeting of the United Nations General Assembly."
The lawyer nods. "I understand, but not many of our cases go straight to that venue. It doesn't work that way. Let's start in the small claims tribunal and work our way up to the UN, shall we? Now, as plaintiff, you need to detail a civil or criminal offence committed against you by the defendant."
Mr. Cho thumps the table. "The defendant is filling the air with CO2. This results in bouts of killer weather, which have caused material losses to my clients; losses, which are expected to increase dramatically in future years. I
have evidence. It's rather large. Can you help me clear these chairs away?"
Cho shouts an order and his assistants wheel in a medium-sized country: the Philippines.
Cho points out cities flattened by killerweather.
"Here we had not one, not two, but three killer hurricanes in one month," he said. "Other exhibits from around Asia include mountains whibh have lost their snowy caps, cities wiped out by floods, and traditional industries ruined. I have examples outside but I didn't bring them in because I didn't want to crowd your office."
He wags his finger. "Scientists from
both sides of the world are on record saying that there is a significant correlation between killer storms and CO2 in the air."
The lawyer is impressed. "Fine. I'll get my staff to do an inventory. What do you expect in terms of damages?"
Mr. Cho has an answer ready: "We want them to sign a pledge at a meeting in Copenhagen next week to change their ways. Also, we'd like a piece of land which people who have been displaced by killer weather can live on. Florida would do nicely."
Now the story above is a fantasy, of course. But I actually think it wouldn't be a bad idea. You have to deal with people
in ways they understand. The US business lobby stopped America signing the Kyoto agreement, and have tried very hard to derail the Copenhagen summit too. They despise greenies, but have huge respect for men in black suits, lawsuits and claims for damages.
Thinks; While we're at it. I wonder if we can sue the US for other evil pestilences they have unleashed upon the world? I'm thinking of Achy Breaky Heart.
And Kraft processed cheese slices.
And High School Musical.
Worth a try?
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