SHH! Don't tell his boss. Math teacher Johnnee Sum has two lives. He introduced me to both after inviting me to meet him at a cafe. I arrived to find a baggy-eyed man in his early 20s (or perhaps 50s) who made me promise to refer to him only by his pseudonym.

He moved the laptop to show me the

screen, tipping his latte over his shoe. "Many people your age are skeptical about Facebook." he whispered conspir-atorially. "I thought I would show you howto use it."

I bristled a bit at "your age" but let it go. On his Facebook page was a profile picture of him In a nice grey suit at a desk. Next to it were messages from students wanting advice on calculus, algebra and seduction.

A photo album showed him receiving anaward.Ihewhat-l-am-doing-nowline said, "J spent the whole night marking year 1) folders."

"That's how my headmaster thinks I spend my time," Johnnee said." Now look at this." He pressed a single button up

popped another Facebook page. "This is what I was really doing last night -- er, well, early this morning."

The profile picture showed a blue-bottomed baboon. The messages were from leather-clad people with names like partygirl, spittoon and yabbadabba. The photo albums were "Stoned on the street" and "So what did happen last night?"

The what-l-am-doing-now line was: "Suffering worst hangover of my life again.”

Even youngsters are using this software to create double lives. Reader May So said, "My nephew and the children I know have two Facebook pages, one for their friends and the other for their moth-

ers."

1 was shocked. A technology guru told me via email that there are hundreds of thousands of fake lives on Facebook. "You used to be able to create a fake life on Wikipedia, but you can't now," he wrote.

I thought back to the last time I had looked him up on Wikipedia. I asked: "You mean you're not a famous nuclear physicist with the body of a porn star?"

He replied: "Not any more, as far as Wdupedia is coricerned. But I still am on Facebook."

Meanwhile, apologies to people who don't like Facebook (sorry, Fardel) but this seems to be a hot topic judging by my mailbox.

Many readers shared their worst

Facebook nightmares.

A reader named Dul told me he shares his page with a couple having a longdistance romance. He constantly gets messages such as "we r in lowe!!" and "so far away yet so close @ heart!” They post romantic videos and invite him to add applications by which they can share virtual kisses.

Reader Farah Huq said she has friends who update their what-l-am-doing-now line every few seconds.

A reader named Tamanna has a similar problem, sharing a page with "royal emos” who feel the need to make announcements such as "I'm feeling hungry" and "I'm now looking at the sky."

Wendy Tong saw an update, which said: "I can't think of anything interesting to write."

Reader Angela Sias was surprised to find that her elderly parents have signed up on the Facebook network. Oops, better remove all your party pics, Angela.

Or let me introduce you to a guy named Johnnee Sum, who can build you a new identity.

Now, if anyone knows how to Photoshop my head onto Arnold Schwarzenegger's body, drop me a line. (Er, Arnie wants a more impressive profile picture, you see.

For more on how to live a fake life on Facebook, visit our columnist (not on Facebook) at www vittacht com