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Dead Man Working
HOW to tell when you have reached the end of the road? Joblessness in the US has just hit a 25-year high, according to the newspapers. (Victims include this columnist's brother.) This is bad news for all of us.
The rest of the world's population is worried. This is because we admire the USas "the land of the free." Oh, okay, let's be brutally honest, we admire the US as "the mother lode of totally undiscrimi-
nating customers."
The result is that our jobs will be lost too.
Dead wood goes first. A woman I know picked up a newspaper and chuckled over a job ad. "Look at this," she laughed. "The department must be expanding. They're looking for someone with the same skills as me."
When no one smiled, she realised it was her job, which was up for grabs.
A bit smarter was a guy 1 knew realised he wasn't in favour when his boss kept calling him Dave despite the fact his name was Michael.
And then suddenly the bosses started getting his name correct.
And they knew his wife's name.
And his kids' names.
There could only be one reason for this. They had pulled his file to have a lookatit.
When a colleague quietly advised him not to buy a new apartment, he knew the end had come.
In the previous column, we talked about sins that you may commit which are likely to get you on the "downsizing" list.
Today, we examine the condition known as Dead Man Working. You are in this state during the period (usually three to five days) between the boss issuing orders for you to be sacked, and the human resources guy completing all the paperwork.
Here are the signs.
1. Your get to work to find that your car
park space has been reassigned to the office boy. And he doesn't even have a car.
2. As soon as you enter your workplace, the buzz of chatter disappears and everyone goes silently to their desks to start work. (Know the feeling?)
3. When you approach your cubicle, you find the guy below you is measuring your desk and trying out your seat.
4. Your bosses start exchanging comments with you only by written memo copied in triplicate, even when they're just saying, "Morning." (I've had bosses communicate by fax even when they are a few meters from me.)
5. The company website has been re-edited to refer to you in the past tense: "The project leader at the time was your
name here.”
6. Your secretary responds to your orders by continuing to read her magazine and saying, "Yeah, yeah, whatever."
7. You look at the company performance chart and notice that the peak day for profit/ productivity was the day that you joined.
8. You are asked to give urgent training to your new "assistant." Your departure is particularly close if you are given less responsibility than the intern, especially if you are the chief financial officer, and she is still in school uniform.
9. At lunchtime in the office canteen, no one will share your table, even if it means they have to eat standing up.
10. The phone sanitizer skips your cubicle, realising that she can do it when
you're gone.
The final minutes of your life with the company have arrived when you get a call inviting you to an unexpected meeting in the conference room with your boss.
You stand up.
You look over the cubicle wall into the conference room.
You see your boss there, looking grumpy and rubbing his sweaty palms.
Bad sign: The boss is accompanied by the human resources director.
Worse sign: The company lawyer is with him.
Worst sign of all: So are the security guards.
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