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Why Madonna is smart to adopt
MADONNA is having trouble adopting a second child from Malawi.
The wealthy pop star, 50, is too old to adopt aWestern child, and anyway prefers gather ing small, brown, needy people to share her mansion. 1 wonder if I can persuade her to adopt me? I’m house-trained, most of the time, which is more than can be said for babies.
Madonna and I are already mentally in nine, anyway, since all my children are adopted. There are huge advantages to acquiring kids that way instead of the biologicalway.
The most useful is the "instant disownership" option. Whenever my offspring commit gross acts of misbehaviour in public places, I just slightly adjust my body position to face away from them. Hey presto, they look like someone eLse's kids.Heh-heh.
If their tantrums reach truly horrific proportions, 1 turn back and glare in a hostile manner, as if to say: "I wonder which utterly useless parent dragged up these vile brats?"
One can even leave the scene, assuming the children will eventually notice and follow. (And if they don't, well, is that the worst thing that could happen?)
Incidentally, this technique also works if you have a spouse of a different ethnic background. If my wife is doing something deeply embarrassing, such as drooling over pictures of Johnny Depp in a celebrity magasine at a bookshop, I simply step away, shaking my head in amazement at the base nature of modem women. (My wife usually notices I have gone after a brief interval of half a day or so.)
The other advantage of adoption is the level of hygiene involved in "initialising" the procedure. During conventional conception, there are numerous huge risks, the biggest being germs, stickiness and embarrassment, not necessarily in that order. Contrast that to the adoptive parents' technique of sitting fully clothed in an office and filling in Form A-162 (b).
An unexpected advantage of having adopted children emerged when the kids started going to school. Natural offspring wave the genetic flag of their parents. If the child turns out to be pitifully dull or shows violent criminal tendencies, mom and dad feel personally to blame.
But adoptive parents can relax. Every time junior does something bad, you blame the birth parents. If docs something good, like solve Fermat's List Theorem at the age of three, you take full credit. "I showed him that, "you say.
An intriguing bonus of adopting children is the little genetic surprises (hat they have hidden within them. For example, my family all love Chinese food but recognise that some dishes can be non-child-friendly. At one restaurant, large bowls of a particularly ghastly glutinous soup were put in front of my offspring. I expected howls of protest on the lines of: "Yuk! It looks like a bowl of snot." But my genetically Chinese kids lapped it up and asked for more.
Of course, some of the genetic surprises that are in store for us may be less desirable. Mine showed an obscenely early desire for mobile phones, even before they could walk or talk.
But all I had to do was shift my shoulders and do the disownership trick
Look at those revolting brats. I’heir parents should be shot. I wonder who they are?Heh-heh.
For more on the advantages of adopting children, visit our columnist at www vittachi com