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Folks who get honourary degrees
E EEK! Exam results are arriving in letter boxes. At schools, universities and polytechnics all over the
world, students are receiving certificates, baccalaureates, doctorates,
polycarbonates, barbiturates and so on.
Many are celebrating in time-honoured fashion by losing their caps on rooftops, balconies and awnings.
But some get bad news. They're notified that they have failed, despite having spent long days and nights toiling over good food, er, computer, in their halls of learning.
Yet despite the high rate of competi-•ion in the education sector, there's surprisingly little envy. Students laugh or cry with each other, except for the occasional jealous murder, which can be attributed to youthful high spirits.
One reader sadly failed to get his degree for the second time, despite having set aside four years of his life and a small fortune.
He asked for advice.
1 informed him that actually, there is a cost-free, study-free way to get a top degree from a top university: simply get an I lonourary Degree.
Noddy Holder, singer of a British group called Slade, got one from a British university for his "services to art and literature," which consisted of co-writing musical masterworks such as Coz I Luu You, Mama WeerAll Crazee Now and You BoyzMakeNoize.
Is your spelling worse than his? No problem.
Rapist Mike Tyson got a Doctorate In Humane Letters for his wide range of
skills, which include assaulting women in hotel rooms and biting the ears off opponents.
Too nice to molest women or bite bits off men? You can get a degree simply for being a hunk. Arnold Schwarzenegger got one for this reason, and Tom Selleck got one for services to the cause of mustache-wearing.
Pierce Brosnan got one for repeatedly saving the world from evil geniuses, but I suspect they mistook Mr. Brosnan for the role he played (James Bond).
What if you are small, unattractive and completely talent-free, such as the present writer? Not a problem. The ghastly-looking Robert Mugabe has two honourary degrees, and his only skill is being monstrously evil.
If you have no skills at all, not even negative ones, you can still get an honourary degree the Asian way: simply be born rich.
One Hong Kong guy recently received
a doctorate for being the son of one of the world's richest men.
His three main achievements:
He was born fabulously wealthy.
His dad gave him a top job and a massive salary.
Er. That's it.
Honourary degrees were invented by Oxford University in the late 1470s. Administrators wanted rich, powerful friends, so they gave an un earned degree to the king's brother-in-law. Other universities followed suit.
These days, you don't even have to be human. Long Island University in the US awarded one to Kermit the Frog, a hand puppet made of green felt.
This news made me shake my head at the folly of the world, which can be summed up in the words of Noddy Holder, PhD:
Mama, weer al I crazee now. For more on how to achieve Honorary Degree, visit our columnist at www vittachi com