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Technology in the bedroom
YOUR boyfriend may be a mega hunk now. But how do you know whether he grow up to be a fat, bald guy who can only produce fat, bald children? Now you can tell. All you have to do is get him to spit at you. (Some boyfriends helpfully do this without being asked.)
You then send the spit to an agency in London called SnipScreen. They analyze his DNA and send you a report containing 230 'predispositions". These tell you whether his offspring are likely to have freckles, brown eyes, a thick waist, bald patches, an addiction to watching American Idol and so on. You can then reject the guy, or, if a fat, baldTV-addicted family is what you most deeply desire, you can marry him on the spot.
It costs just USS 199 to get a blob of spit analyzed. Want to compare two boyfriends? Then it's US$174 each. The agency offer bulk discounts, dropping the price to USS 150 per sample for 50 boyfriends or more. (I suspect that deal is aimed at Madonna.)
In theory, guys can get their girlfriends' DNA analyzed too, but in practice, males aren't fussy. If the woman has close to the average number of legs and breasts, that'll pretty much do. SnipScreen does not give any information as to how to get the spit sample.
Girls: if you want to be discreet, I suggest you propose some sort of romantic exchange." Darling, to celebrate our love, I will give you a tress of my hair in a locket, and you give me some saliva to keep in
invading relationships. The people who make those heartbeat watches are expanding into all areas of health monitoring.
Ladies, this is how you are going to have babies in the near future. At the moment of conception, a message will appear on your wrist-monitor:
"Intrusion detected. An outside agent is attempting to upload material into your system. Transfers such as this can contain viruses. If you know and trust the originator of the material being transferred, click here. ”
It will probably also ask this question:
"Always trust material from this source: Yes/No."
The following morning, it will tell you if you arc pregnant, asking:
“Continue/Retry/Abort."
Your wrist device will then send a message to the father's. Chances are, he will be- speechless. Your machine will
say.
"Unable to get a response from remote source. Retry in 60 seconds/ Give up/ Ignore."
When those strange hormones kick in and you become grumpy and unpredictable, your monitor will send a warning to your husband's:
"Warning: System instability detected."
When you can no longer think straight, it will say:
"Warning: Memory in random access mode."
And when the baby is about to be born, it will say:
"Eject? Yes/No."
I don't envy the techies programming these machines. Human relationships are SO complicated. 1 expect they'll include some sort of cop-out error message for use at difficult times, such as when the couple has an argument in bed:
"We're sorry but we have encountered can send an alert to Microsoft which tells us exactly what you were doing at the
To know more about your future visit our columnist at www.vtttachl com