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Truth in personal ads
LOOKING over a friend's shoulder recently, I read a personal ad on a Hong Kong dating website. "Tall Guy, Age 36. Are there any nice guys left? After me, I'm not sure."
"How arrogant," I said. "There are three billion men on this planet, so there MUST be a few other nice unmarried guys."
My friend considered this point. "There aren't,"she said. 'Tchecked."
I had a look at the women's page of the same website. Female ads seemed more honest, such as this one: ‘‘Hong Kong female, age 38, seriously looking for a good and sincere man for marriage. I am fun to be with sometimes." The presence of "sometimes" on the end of that sentence means that's a girl you can trust
But the most blisteringly honest personal ads in the world come from Ireland. Here arc three: "Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancee, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced women."
"Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a palemoon."
"Limerick man, 26, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 24 between 8 pm and 11:30pm."
You occasionally get honest ads from Asia, such as this recent one from Bangladesh: "Male, 34, Dhaka. I am a fighter looking for someone who will' fight with me. Interests: Chess, cricket, cooking something special, jokes, singing, fighting with someone special."
Here's an honest one I saw last week in an Indian newspaper: "Female, 22, nonveg. I am very emotional as 70 per cent of Indians are."
For me, ads in US publications are a little bit TOO honest, as this real example shows: "Desperate lonely loser, SWM, 32, miserable, apathetic, tired of watching TV and my roommate's hair fall out. Seeks depressed, unattractive SWF 25 32, no sense of humor, for long talks about the macabre." (SWM is single white male and SWF is single white female.)
Some advertisers ask for too much. This is from a personal ad I saw recently on a Sri Lankan dating website: "Male, 20,
from Ettampitiya area. I'm looking for a girlfriend who should be a friend, a sister, a mother and a lover to me. That's all."
The first personal ad ever appeared in the UK's Manchester Weekly Journal in 1727. Helen Morrison wrote a tiny note indicating that she wished to make the acquaintance of a pleasant gentleman with whom to pass the time. She was arrested and committed to an insane asylum for fourweeks.
Meanwhile, a friend of mine who regularly answers personal ads, gave me lessons on how to read them.
"I am 40-ish" means "Iam49."
"Average-looking" means "1 am hideous."
"I am feminist" means "I am fat."
"I am cuddly" means "I am very fat."
"I am voluptuous" means "I am a human whale."
"1 am fun" means "I am really annoying and 1 talk all the time."
"I am gentle" means "1 am incredibly boring."
"I am young at heart" means "I am an ancient, wizened crone."
"I am good-looking" means "I am arrogant."
You know what's really scary? Out of till the ads quoted above, "Devil worshipper" sounds the most appealing.