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Fake it till you make it

NuryVittachi
YOUR humble narrator has been travelling for almost 24 hours, right across the world to Europe.
I have just settled into a hotel room in The Hague, Holland. It's funny, in cartoons of Holland, you always see windmills and wooden clogs and tulips -well, the real thing also has all those things in clear view.
What am I doing here? I'm not really sure. The organizers of Wmtemachten, a literary festival, invited me and lots of other writers to appear on stage.
The theme of the festival is "Fake It Till You Make It" so that suits me fine -- it s exactly what we were discussing the last
couple ofdays, by coincidence.
Back to the theme of finding the right job for you.
People going to job interviews inevitably take a stance of Humble Supplicant. Their heads shrink into their shoulders and they have a "please-please-please employme" air about them.
No, no, no. People react negatively to desperation.
Instead, use the Fake It Till You Make it system to give yourself an irresistible air of confidence. Act you like already have the job.
Upon entering the office for the first time, walk straight past the receptionist, saying: "Hold my calls."
Ask someone for directions to the
boss's office, referring to him in a familiar way. "So where does Fat Boy JJ sleep these days?"
When you reach his office, march past his secretary, noting her name from her desk, and saying: "Hi, Connie, I need to see JJ RIGHT NOW." She'll assume you’re the chairman's nephew.
Go in without knocking and sit down immediately, saying to the boss: "We need to talk." The boss will be wondering who you are, but since you are acting as if you own the place, he will be unwilling to ask directly, in case you DO.
He'll probably be on the phone to someone, so pass the time by pulling a tape measure out of your pocket and measuring his office, nodding to your-
self. This will focus his attention wonderfully.
When he lowers the handset, pick up the photo of his wife, grimace at it. and then replace it with the words: "Time for a trophy wife. Leave it with me. I'll get it sorted." Wink.
At this stage, he will probably ask a few questions to try to work out who you are "Remind me, what are we supposed to be meeting about today?" he will say. Respond to all such questions by laughing uproariously, as if he has made the best joke you've heard for days.
After he has subsided into confused silence, lean over his desk. Refer to him by his family name. Use the plural pronoun for yourself. "Listen, Lee, old man, we
think it's best for me to be on your payroll at the moment. Until we sort things out 'upstairs', know what I mean? What have you got available?"
In response to this, he will name one or more vacant positions. Choose the grandest one. and then add the word "executive" to the front of it, as in "executive financial controller", "executive communications officer" or "executive toilet cleaner." (In modern Businessese the "executive" prefix indicates that the possessor of the title does no actual work.)
He will then try to use tire "Necessary Bureaucracy" technique to try to find out who you are. "Sure, but we'll need to sort out your paperwork," he'll say. "Is your
resume on file?"
My recommended answer is; "Be a good little man and make something up for me." At this point, you may wish to pat him on the head.
Then stand up abruptly, telling him you will be back the following day and you expect your desk to be ready.
On the way out, give the secretary your name and your new job title. "Get some business cards made for me, gorgeous. I'd like them on my desk first thing tomorrow if it's no trouble."
This technique guarantees you will get the job.
Or at least die trying.
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