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CEOs get a union
NOW this is weird. The economic downturn means that in many countries white-collar workers are being laid off, but blue-collar workers are more in demand than ever.
It makes sense.
If you need to cut costs, you can struggle along without your ergonomics consultant for a week or two.
But if the family toilet stops working, you need a plumber RIGHT NOW.
Top executives are looking to "shopfloor" workers for advice on how to make themselves unsackable.
I recently had lunch with Ranjan
Marwah, one of Asia's top headhunters. The job markets are in an unprecedented state of flux, he said, adding: "What CEOs needisaunion."
It was an intriguing idea. This is how it could work.
The intercom on the chairman's desk buzzes. "The chief executive officer is here to see you," the secretary says.
The oak door opens and the CEO enters, accompanied by a man in a blue overalls.
"Who's this?" the chairman asks.
The CEO replies: "This is the senior shop steward of the Federated Association of Top CEOs and Amalgamated Trades Society, or FAT
CATS. It's a new organisation we’re joining to ensure we obtain our full rights by the use of standard union techniques such as collective bargaining."
The chairman looks baffled. "Collective bargaining? But I called you in to sack you."
The labour union leader steps forward and calmly delivers a threat. "I must warn you, Mr. Chairman, if you sack one CEO without due cause, every CEO in the country will down tools immediately."
"But I have lots of reasons to sack this man," says the chairman. "He's gambled away the staff's pension funds and saddled the firm with billionsin debt.”
"As is his right," says the labour leader.
"Job descriptions of CEOs do not expressly forbid such actions."
"Common sense does."
The unionist sighs. "Look, governor, you and I both know that common sense has no connection with union rules, nor with executive pay, come to that."
"I suppose that's true. But are you really saying that 1 can't sack him?"
"Under collective bargaining rules, if one CEO gets sacked, they all walk out. If one gets a million bucks a week, they all do. Now, do you still wish to downsize my client?"
"Er, no. Let me think about it a bit more."
"In the meantime, here are my client's
demands for better pay and working conditions."
"What?"
"You heard me. From now on, all CEOs must be supplied, at company expense, suitable work uniforms and protective eyewear. An unlimited expense account at Brooks Brothers will suffice, and we suggest designer sunglasses for the eyewear."
"Anything else?"
The labour union leader pointedly throws his cigarette stub into the chairman's Ming Dynasty vase before replying. "We feel there should be a 50 percent salary increase to compensate for unsafe working conditions."
The chairman's eyebrows rise. "That's outrageous. CEOs spend their days in kid-skin leather office chairs in gorgeous harbour-view offices in the most expensive buildings in town."
The unionist nods. "Yes, sir. Long hours in com'fortable chairs put them at risk of thrombosis. And the rich food in the executive dining rooms plays havoc with their cholesterol."
"I'll have to speak to the board of directors," the chairman says.
"Sure," says the labour leader. "I represent them, too."
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