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Exclusive: Bush on Asia

NuryVittachi
US President George W. Bush is shortly to hang up his holster. How has his reign changed the relationship between Asia and the West? In an exclusive interview, a relaxed, candid Bush reveals all.
Bush: I jess want you ta tell the Asian people that ah am totally in favour of them continuing to export their great, great products, such as fortune cookies, to the Land of the Free.
Interviewer: Er, fortune cookies are American.
Bush: That’s right. I noo that. What I meant was Asian CULTURAL products, such as The Karate Kid. and Mulan, and
all them great movies you guys make.
Interviewer: Those movies are American too.
Bush: I noo that, too. I meant Asian movie actors, such as Pat Morita and George Takei.
Interviewer: Let’s just move on. Now, surveys show that Asians feel very negative about foreign policy during your presidency.
Bush: And so they should. What all mean is, ahm not surprised they feci negative, since it is rather a complexified subject easy to misunderestimate
Interviewer. Your invasion of Iraq was widely condemned by Asian nations.
Bush: Let me explain It in simplerised
terms. America was attacked on 911. So we fought back by attacking Iraq, also known as Iran.
Interviewer: But Iraq had no connection with the 911 attacks.
Bush: Yeah! Lucky them. Otherwise we would have smacked 'em WAY harder.
Interviewer: But why attack them at all, since they were innocent of the crime?
Bush: Because that there Saddam Hussein repeatedly denied having weap -ons of mass destruction. We warned him that if he continued ta deny it, we would invade. So we did.
Interviewer: So when you attacked him, did he use them in defence?
Bush: Nope. You see, them weapons never really existed. It was all a bluff.
Interviewer: But hadn't he been saying all along that they never existed?
Bush: He only said that ta make us think the opposite.
Interviewer: Do you really believe that?
Bush: Of course. Ain't it logical?
Interviewer: What do you feel about Asia today?
Bush: Ah love the food. Specially the fortune cookies. But your countries have terr'ble human rights records.
Interviewer: What about Guantanamo Bay?
Bush: Yeah, them too. ALL Asian coun-
tries.
Interviewer: Guantanamo Bay is American.
Bush: I noo that.
Interviewer: President Bush, when you took office, there was a tiny handful of serious terrorists hostile to America. Now the great majority of the world's population is angry with America, including most Asian nations.
Bush: Well, Saddam Hussein shouldn't have started all that trouble.
Interviewer: Hedidn’t.Youdid.
Bush: Technically, that's right. Well, it's important to take the Initiative. We call itThe Amer'canWay.
Interviewer: How would you like
people in Asia to remember you?
Bush: Asian folks respect business, right? Well, ah was the guy who steered more power into the hands of the business comoonity than anyone ever before.
Interviewer: But didn’t that end up triggering a global financial crisis?
Bush: Yah can't blame me for that. We should blame Iraq. Or North Korea. Don't really matter who. Each one is a heavily armed place run by a self-obsessed, trigger-happy leader.
Interviewer: Rather like America over the past eight years?
Bush: Exactly.
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