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Never rob a bank without the right condiment
Aman woke up to find that an intruder had broken into his house and was rubbing seasoning into his body. The food powder was "Pappy's Seasoning," a popular mixture of dried spices, herbs and salt, said to bring out the flavor in a variety of meats. ("Human" was not listed among recommendations on the package.)
The intruder attacked another man in the house with an eightinch sausage before fleeing, reports reader Joe Roces, writing from Texas. To complete the impression that real life had turned into a farce, the sausagewielding attacker lost his trousers, leaving behind his wallet and ID.
Police caught him hiding nearby in his underclothes but were unable to reach the sausage before it was consumed. "A dog ate the weapon," police lieutenant Ian Burrimond told the Fresno Bee newspaper a few days ago. "I tell you, this was one weird case."
Actually, from an Asian point of view, it's not that weird. Curry powder is frequently used by Asian muggers to disorientate victims, and the famous chilli sauce bandit of Jakarta used to raid banks armed only with a bottle of extra-hot pepper condiment. ("Hand over the money or
I 'll season you piquantly.")
As an aficionado of spicy accompaniments, I would like to advise the US criminal establishment that Western condiments are utterly hopeless as weapons. You guys are in the dark ages on this front! You can rub steak marinade or low-fat mayonnaise all over my body and it will have no effect, as many of my critics have discovered to their dismay.
No. To do serious damage, you need weapons-grade condiments, and they come from Asia. My mother used to have this Sri Lankan stuff called Seeni Sambol
Extra Strong), which could make your eyes sting two houses away.
My father usually extinguished his cigarettes to eat dinner, but the tobacco smoke would soon be replaced by steam from his eyes
as he attempted to consume his meal before it melted the table and caused third degree burns to his bare feet.
I've inherited his tastes to some extent, and often meet South Asian and Southeast Asian buddies to eat meals, which blow our heads off.
One diner's wife asked why men liked food that caused pain.
My wife answered on our behalf: "It's a guy thing. Men do it out of competitiveness since they are motivated by machismo, which is Latin for imbecility."
I took great exception to this statement and explained that machismo was not synonymous with imbecility, but hovered somewhere between "foolishness" and "idiocy."
All this is preface to complaining about the numerous reports in the international press and all over the Internet about the "Dorset Naga," all expressing amazement that the hottest chilli in the world comes from a UK country town rather than Asia. i
This is absolute rubbish. The naga is a well-known Asian chilli, widely consumed by males in Bangladesh, Sri Lanka and other I places. It is not from Dorset.
The sad fact is that Westerners I arc far better at patenting and I marketing things than Asians, so I once more an ancient Asian I treasure has been ripped off and I channeled to the world by clever I Western business people. j
This makes me want to beat I myself up. But I think I'll go and I eat a super-hot curry instead.
Same thing, really.
All sorts of spicy news can be sent to our I columnist via his website:www vtttacN com