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North Korean sports cheat set to lose more than reputation

by Nury Vittachi
A sportsman called Kim Jong Su was caught using drugs at the Beijing Olympics. That's bad enough — but the really scary news is that he was a North Korean. Can you imagine what they'll do to him?
"If you humiliate the country I like Kim Jong Su did, you will be secretly dragged somewhere and ' suffer," an unnamed source from I inside the country told the Daily DK online newspaper.
This reminded me of my primary teacher, who was always dragging students away to suffer. She practiced an educational technique called death-threat-centred-learning. In the event, our class did every test badly, although I suspect we were top performers in bedwetting.
The only good news for Kim Jong Su is that he may not be humiliated in his own country North Korean citizens get almost no Olympic coverage, unless one of their countrymen wins something. When that happens, the people rejoice, and so do the country's rocks, trees and lakes.
When Dear Leader Kim Jong II did an international tour, nature expressed its pleasure with a series of miraculous signs. A 20-metre high water spout erupted spontaneously from a lake, surmounted by a magical display of rainbows, the Korea Central News Agency reported.
It's a pity there isn't an Olympic prize for Synchronised Silliness: North Korea would get the gold.
Meanwhile, their cousins in South Koreans should get an Olympic prize for fishing In 1999, a South Korean fisherman, tugging at his net, realised he'd caught a big one. It turned out to be a Chinese spy submarine, the Korea Tinies reported.
On another occasion, a fisherman caught an entire North Korean vessel full of spies. No one can say fishing in South Korea is boring
Meanwhile, thank you to reader Mindec Hansen, the first of an umptillion people to inform me that a typhoon carrying my name has caused havoc in East Asia One sent me a headline saying "Nuri leaves a trail of death and destruction" which is word-for-word what my fifth year
school report said.
Mindee's email reminded me that my name is also being carried by a factory in Mongolia producing toilet paper (I’m so proud). In an advertisement about the factory from the Mongolian Daily News, originally sent to me by reader Alan Saunders, the Nuri toilet paper factory boasts that it is "Equipped with Republic of Korea technology-
Can you imagine trying to impress people by boasting that you're as futuristic as North Korea? What's their next ad campaign? As tropical as Iceland?
But maybe those guys are good at science. Kim Jong II is known to have an army of 300 suspiciously perfect cheerleaders.
When the squad toured South Korea, even the most staid newspapers carried photographs with headlines such as 'Wow, They Sure Are Pretty’." Did he grow them from test tubes or what7
North Korea is known for its innovative, creative methods of asexual reproduction, such as kidnapping citizens from neighbouring countries.
Incidentally, you can now get British beer in the hermit king- j dom. Kim Jong II bought an entire ' 175-year-old brewery from the ! UK and had it rebuilt in his homeland. 1
There's even talk of filling Kim Jong-Ils’country with British-style • pubs. So one day. North Koreans could be standing around in old ’ buildings, drinking warm, flat j beerand eating bad food. I
So. no change there.
Bls for damage by Typhoon Nuri should be sent j to www vittachi com ’