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Louise Fraud and the man called Vitamin
THE globalised world is a tough one for people with Asian names. At a dinner party the other night, I heard about a guy called Mule (pronounced Mule). After years of being addressed as if he was a donkey by English speak ers, he gave up and changed the spelling to Mulay.
Sitting next to me was a management consultant named Vazc, a classic South Asian name. Every time he types his name into a document, Microsoft Word renames him "Mr Vase."
I felt their pain. My name has been changed by word processors over the years to various things, including "Henry Vacuity’ and "Nerdy
Vitamin." both of which have disturbing elements of truth in them.
But you know what? Things are getting better. Asian names are being added to spell-check databases, which is why word processing programs take up more space on your harddrive.
In the old days, there were no Asian names at all in computer programs, not even names of cities. I remember when my computer would correct Hong Kong to "Honk Pong," which I thought was rather apt for a city composed largely of traffic and smells.
In those days, Kuala Lumpur became "Koala Lumpier,” which sounded like a diseased Australian
bear. Dhaka became "Darker," Delhi became "Deli," Colombo became "Columbine," Jakarta became "Jacket," Macau became "Macaw," and Singapore became "Singleton" or "Simpleton." which was enough to get you bapned from the place in those days, should it sneak into print.
But even today, there are many Asian names which spell-check programs simply cannot cope with. Microsoft Word always wants to change the name of my Japanese friend Miss Oguni into "Miss Ogre," which is not flattering (although, to be brutally honest, not inaccurate).
Chinese names suffer badly. Every Shaobin becomes a "Shoo-in," and Rongguang, interestingly, is "Tongu
ing." The name Xie Yuhua becomes ’DieYahoo."
South Asian names are also tough for computers to deal with. Laxman becomes "Lawman," Hamid is "Humid," Haidra is "Hairdo," Habib is "Habit" and Ravindra becomes "Raindrop." A worrying one is the surname Haddouchc. which becomes "Had Douche" (douche means washing your private parts). So a sports headline that started as "Batsman is Laxman Haddouche" would become: "Batsman's Lawman Had Douche.”
Some of the changes could get Asians into trouble. Nazar becomes "Nazi," for example And text reports about international football star
Shao Jihai see him renamed "Mr Jihad," which would cause all sorts of problems should he fly to the United States.
I did a spell-check on a list of top chess players recently.Vasily Yemelin became "Vastly Yodeling," Awam Wahono became "Away Wahoo." and Cemre Yildiz became "Crime Eyelids."
Mohd. Noor Yahya became "Mad Moor Yahiya," Ahmet Ersin Yassa became "Hamlet Resin Yasser," and Fouad Hadi became" Found Hades."
Worst of all was poor Dawit Wondimu, who became "Dimwit Odium," which is probably actionable, should he wish to sue his own computer.
But there's one place where the garbling of names actually serves a useful purpose. And that's in the cheapo rip-off garment factories of Asia.
I have seen Winnie-The-Pooh cleverly revranged as "Winnie-Pooh-The."
I have seen Hello Kitty anagrammed into the somewhat unfortunate" Kyto Hi tier."
And I have seen Louis Feraud. the famous French design label, "corrected' on copied designer clothes to ’Louise Fraud." Much more suitable. if you think about it.
Talking of weni names, here's our columnist's website vttachi com