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This financial prediction is guaranteed to be on target
LIKE many people, 1 have watched the world's stock markets bounce up and down over the past few months. But unlike the rest of you IKNOWWHY.
The answer was given to me by a financial analyst, a person who can best be described as "a man who carries a printout of a wobbly line." He pointed to it. "You'll notice that every fewyears, there'sawobblybit. Well, we've hit another wobbly bit." (He gets paid the GDP of a small country for saying things like this.)
I showed him a prediction in the newspaper about Asian financial markets over the summer: "While we may see the markets advance,
further corrections remain a real risk, as does the possibility of the Indexes being trapped in a narrow trading range."
Hmm. "Advance" means climbs up, "correction" means falls down, and "narrow trading range" means stuck at one level. In other words, he is saying it may go up, it may go down, or it may stay the same.
In OTHER words, it is really saying, "I don't have the foggiest ideawhat'sgoingon."
Docs this mean brokers are stupid? No, it means they are very clever. It means I am stupid because I nod admiringly while they are telling me they have no idea what is
goingon.
In one newspaper recently, an investment banker said: "The markets may recover, or it may be the end of the world." That's what is called "hedging bets." He gets paid the GDP of a medium-sized country for saying things like that.
But I did learn one useful thing. Financial people are often highly creative individuals (I use the phrase in the journalistic sense of "crooks"). The many guides to new financial terminology on the market get thicker every year, as indeed, do sad people like me who attempt to read them.
But these books only tell you
what financial people say -- they don't tell you what they mean. So here's a guide to what bits of financial jargon actually mean.
Short-term buy: Probably a bad investment.
Medium-term buy: Definitely a bad investment.
Long-term buy: Definitely a really, really bad investment.
Ultra-long term buy: Guaranteed to make no money at all for at least seven generations or until the sun implodes, whichever takes longer.
Standard and Poor. A description of the typical investor.
Market Crash: A major price
adjustment that the financial community arranges to happen the day after you put your savings into shares.
Cash Flow: Movement of money, which always happens in one direction: away from you and towards tire brokers.
Institutional Investor: People who lose money in such vast quantities that they should really be locked up in institutions.
Bull Market: A normal part of the cycle, which causes financial professionals to mistake themselves for geniuses.
Correction: God having the last laugh on the people in the item
above.
Some people have found a way to guarantee they will not lose money in the financial markets. This cunning scheme is called "Not Having Any in the First Place" and is widely used by teachers, journalists, social workers, nurses, priests and so on.
My financial analyst friend has more money than I do -- but it comes with a new wobbly line chart. It's his stress level, and I wouldn't have it for all the tea in my grandmother.
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