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The conquest of America and the Redneck tribes
TODAY, boys and girls, we are going to study an important part of world history: the discovery of America.
The first settlers from the civilized world, by which I mean Asia of course, travelled to the Americas by ship, discovering it more than 150 years ago. They landed initially in what is now called North America in the mid-1800s. Here's a poem to help you remember this: "In eighteen hundred and forty-two, Third Uncle sailed the ocean blue."
Now when the Asian settlers landed, they discovered there were already people living there -a group of people known as the Rednecks.
Although the Rednecks were simple, primitive people, they had spread over many parts of the country. They had curious habits. Female Rednecks had white faces on which they put face paint made for them by a man named Max Factor. Richer ones wore animal skins as a sign of wealth.
Males Rednecks had no face paint but gathered every night for the ritual drinking of a foul-tasting firewater called Budweiser that send them into ecstatic states during which they saw visions and fell over.
It was observed that Rednecks greeted each other by raising their right hands and saying: "Whassup?" They had a deep spiritual connection with the land, which they referred to as "Real Estate." They divided it into small sections, which they sold to each other for empty promises known as "mortgages."
The Asian settlers were intrigued by the fact that the land had great potential, which was unlikely ever to be realised, since the inhabitants' main hobby was collecting firearms and shooting each other. Occasionally, one of the Rednecks would suggest abandoning this practice, but the others would simply blast him full ofholcs.
Furthermore, Rednecks spent millions building university librar-
ies but never entered them, preferring to spend their study hours bowling.
Not wanting to upset the natives, the Asian settlers started off in the railroad and mining businesses and then crept up the social ladder. The settlers' children enrolled in Redneck universities, took over the libraries, and rose to dominate math, science, computing, medicine and so on. They became surgeons, financial controllers, systems analysts and programmers.
Since many Asian settlers were math geeks, it was easy for them to go to Redneck casinos and wipe out the locals at blackjack and other card games.
Non-academic settlers discovered that the primitive peoples in North America had been subsisting since time immemorial only on inedible British-style food-like substances, such as "baked shoe leather" and "hot water bottle au gratin."
So they introduced them to food, which actually tasted of something. Rednecks were of course immediately enchanted with the stuff, and hundreds of thousands of outlets selling everything from curries to char siu opened up all over the New World.
These days, the Asians who discovered America live in peace with the remaining indigenous peoples there. Asians run the place, of course, but are wise enough to let the other tribes think that they are in charge.
The locals have not yet noticed that Asians have the best jobs earning the highest salaries in the key sectors, and label them as "inscrutable," meaning "smarter than us."
But today, it is considered politically incorrect for Asians in America to refer to the indigenous people of the country as Rednecks.
They are now known as "staff."
American officials can complain about this article atwwwvittachi.com.