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Airport officials recapture the red tape top spot
HERE at the records office of the Ministry of Unreasonable Officials we are happy to announce that employees in the airport sector have once again grabbed the coveted top spot.
This follows a period when civil servants threatened to take over as the dumbest breed of red tape dispensers, thanks to officials from India and Malaysia who declared living people dead and refused to revise their paper -work, despite having the "corpses" standing in from of them asking politely for their status as deceased persons to be reviewed.
The airline sector's winning team earlier this month prevented a man from boarding a plane at Heathrow airport in London because he was wearing a T-shirt with a picture of a man with a gun. Brad Jayakody’s garment had an image from the action film Transformers. Well done, Heathrow officials: that was an impressive entry.
In runner-up position came an Indian airport official. He confiscated a mango from a passenger "for security reasons" before allowing him to board a domestic flight in that country. The passenger told me: "Maybe they thought I would hijack the plane by threatening to squish it on the pilot's nice uniform!"
Numerous people shared stories of airport security officials swooping on women for the crime of wearing underwired bras. Just a little note to guards: if a woman needs tempered steel to reinforce the underside of her brassiere, there is unlikely to be much room in the garment for extraneous objects.
And in the United States, airport officials prevented a person from boarding an aircraft with a MacBook Air, the new super thin computer from Apple. They didn't believe such a slim object could be a real computer.
An e-mailer who signs himself "Frequent Traveler" asked a question: "Many airports now have No Joking signs at security areas, and there have been several cases of quick-witted wags who have been arrested and even jailed for telling jokes. How do they square this with their constitutions, which guarantee free speech? And why haven't you been arrested?"
The only answer to your first question. Frequent Traveller, is a hollowlaugh.
As for the second, I pretend to be deaf and dumb.
As well as the No Joking Zones at airports, there are secret No Joking Zones at newspapers and other media offices all over Asia. Think about it. While this newspaper fearlessly prints these attempts at humour, do its rivals regularly print anything remotely funny? No?There you go.
Now I wouldn't want airport officials to think that I am calling them dense, humourless ill-informed automatons, just because I am.
No. 1 fully accept the fact that airline passengers can be even dumber.
The Asian press reported last week that a record number of female pilots are well on their way to taking the controls of aircraft at major airlines in the region.
This is great news, but I know Asian businessmen will be at least as sexist as their western counterparts.
I will never forget a story' I heard of a European pilot named Helga, who overheard a male passenger commenting as she entered the cockpit. "Is that a woman 1 see going in there?" he asked.
The flight attendant nodded.
The man added: "Well, I suppose it's all right, as long as they don't let her touch anything.”
Our columnist may not realise his website is also a no joke zone, www vittachi com.