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Have a whale of a time with a minkemoo steak
JAPANESE scientists have been trying to cross a cow and whale. The news was revealed just before the international meeting of whaling experts, which starts this week (from June 2) in Chile.
The Japanese have not said what the new creature might be called. A wow? A cale? Since they were injecting minke whale sperm into cow eggs, they could call it a minkemoo. This has the virtue of being cute, and as you know, extreme cuteness is the most respected national characteristic in Japan, closely followed by die military ability to conquer neighbouring countries.
If they succeed, the implications are huge. Can you imagine the advantages of having a crossbred cow-cum-whale?
1. Healthy fresh milk soon to be available underwater for lost scuba divers.
2. T-bone steak now eight metres long.
3. Milkmaid uniform to be replaced by bikinis to facilitate 40,000-litre-a-day liquid output.
4. Butter from now on to have interesting plankton taste.
5. Within a year, all bull-fighters will have been crushed to death.
The news about the whale-cow experiments was released reluctantly. Japanese fishermen have been getting around a ban on whaling by explaining that they killed 7,000 whales for "important scientific research” (read "snacks”).
■ The international community demanded to see the paperwork -and were given records of bizarre experiments such as cow-whale breeding.
Scientists are meeting to decide what to do about whales, which, like Asian countries with military leaders and young girls surnamed Spears, arc extraordinarily difficult to manage.
There have been breakthroughs. Scientists now know
why whales occasionally explode. It's all to do with intestinal gas. Humans look the other way and clench their stomach muscles: end of problem. Whales detonate themselves over a large radius.
You may remember the famous 2004 case when a 50-ton whale being transported by truck through a Taiwanese city suddenly exploded, spattering whale innards over the city. The BBC quoted a bystander saying: "What a stinking mess. This blood and other stuff that blew out on the road is disgusting, and the smell is really awful." No, wait, that was a comment on a meeting of the Taiwanese parliament.
There was a case in British Columbia, Canada, where a whale exploded with such violence that nearby vegetation "looked like Christmas trees," a description no doubt given by someone who celebrates December 25th by adorning conifers with chunks of
bloody cetacean blubber.
Scientists may also discuss creatures unknown to science, which have been found living on the bones of dead whales off the coast of California. They said the tiny animals were "slimy and worm-like but with no guts and no mouths."
Meanwhile, the body of a whale has been found in die middle of the Egyptian desert. The bones were 40 million years old, so scientists are not sure what they can learn from them. Well, for a start. I'll bet you anything it's a male whale. Only a male could be so far off-course and refuse to ask directions. You can just sec it flopping through the desert, saying to itself: "Wow, this sandbank is long, but I’m sure if I just keep going I'll soon know where I ani
Now, if it had been a minkemoo, at least it would have been carrying something to drink.
Our columnist's website is guaranteed free of Intestinal gas www.vittachi.com