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Never serve nylon food to a Serbo-Croat in polyester
TODAY, as everyone knows, is Nylon Day: the anniversary of the day the world's most celebrated (in the journalistic sense of "hated") synthetic fabric was invented.
You may be thinking: Why would anyone want to celebrate nylon? It's icky stuff that makes the wearer fidget and sweat and smell funny. To which I would reply: Are you implying that there's something wrong with being fidgety and sweaty and smelling funny? Huh? Huh?
Nylon has an amazing history. In the 1930s, a scientist made blobs of transparent plastic. When he went out to lunch, his naughty young assistants pulled them into pizza strings. When one string turned out to be several metres long, they realised that they had stumbled on an amazingly useful invention: plastic pizza strings.
No, I mean synthetic thread. They made vast amounts of it and then tried to think of a purpose for it.
But thinking is not that easy, especially for young males. Scientific tests prove that ninety percent of male thoughts are about leggy women (the other ten per cent are about busty women). So not surprisingly, the first thing the guys came up with was the Nylon Stocking, launched in 1938. These led to the invention of sex in the 1940s, the baby boom in the 1950s, and Bob’s your uncle (or, quite possibly, your father).
Although stockings came first, nylon was soon being used for a variety of garments, along with its sister fabric polyester (Latin for "cheap and revolting"), invented in the same lab.
Nylon eventually reached Europe and Asia
But this tale has a sad ending. The Serbo-Croats noticed that French were unable to mention nylon without sneering. "Zut alors! Sank God you are wearing tres chic Parisian leather trousieurs instead of 'orrible American nylon pants," they would say.
The Serbo-Croats thought nylon, meant nasty, and that’s what the word now means in their language. "Don’t stay there, it's a nylon hotel," they advise tourists. "It's got nylon food and it's near a nylon beach."
If a Serbo-Croatian approaches you wearing a suit made of man-made fibres, never say: "You're looking very nylon today." You could start another war.
Baffling instructions department: A reader from Malaysia sent the following message: "The cardboard cupholders at Starbucks each contain a small block of text making two points. One is that the things are recycled. And other is that they are for single use only. Er?"
Readers' letters department: I wrote recently that in Swaziland, the most powerful woman had to be addressed as "The She-Elephant.“ I also said you should not try this at your home or workplace. Well, 1 got a sad note from one reader. "I ignored your warning and tried the She-Elephant thing in my office," wrote Peter Emmett. "I should have heeded your warning." Too bad, Peter. My office also has a powerful woman at its heart. We just call her "Sir." Baffling road instructions department: Reader David Wijekoon-Perera saw a sign on the road in Kurunegala, Sri Lanka: "Tourists bewearing, all cars have right of turns at the left corner road."
Gratuitous abuse of westerners department: When a French Canadian politician was applauded by an American audience, he beamed, "Thank you for giving my wife and me the clap. 1 thank you from the heart ofmy bottom."