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Major league eating proves that sports is bad for you
WELCOME to The Myth-Exploders Report. In each assignment, we take a widely held topical belief and examine it to see if it is true or false. We do this without any form of prejudice or bias, except for the fact that we really, really hope it is false, otherwise, let's face it, we are well and trulystuffed.
Thanks to the Olympics, sport is top of the news agenda, so today's statement is: Sport is good for the health. True or false?
First, let's define our terms. Sport is defined as a competitive physical activity overseen by a governing body consisting of men with clipboards wearing embarrassing coloured jackets.
Health is defined as (a) the opposite of being dead or (b) the opposite of being a member of the Rolling Stones.
We will focus on the most important sports event of this season, which is - the Beijing Olympics notwithstanding - the 2008 Competitive Eating Championships, some of which were held last week, and the rest of which run from May through July.
There are more than 100 competitive eating events worldwide every year, invoking ramen noodles, burgers, burritos, corn, pizzas and deep-fried asparagus stalks. They are all overseen (I'm not making this up) by the International Federation of Competitive Eating. Although it has supporters worldwide, the United States provides the bulk of the members (no pun intended).
This is because probably overeating has been a legal requirement in that country ever since former President Bill Clinton signed "Bill's Law" ("Just eat it") into the statute book.
Competitive eating has become an East-versus-Wcst thing. Asians were disappointed when Juliet Lee. 43, originally from Nanjing, took second place to Chicago's Patrick Bcrtoletti, 22, in the oystcr-inhaling round on April 13.ButAsia is seeking revenge on July 4, when Japan's legendary Takeru Kobayashi challenges America's Joey Chestnut to wolf hot dogs in NewYork.
1 asked a top sportsman (okay,
a guy at the gym near the office) I whether gorging could in any way I be good for health. "That's an I interesting question," he said. I balancing a cup of coffee on a I jutting chest muscle. "The disci- I pline of sport is not about the I curve of your gluteus maximus. I It's about the truly important I things in life, such as money, I fame, women, being able to wear I really tight clothes, and the curve I of your gluteus maximus."
Competitive feeders get cash— I $350,000 a year in prize money. I They get fame too. Sports chan- I nels broadcast shows called I Major League Eating and Eats of I Strength. A three-hour ESPN I special called The US Open of I Competitive Eating was spon- I sored by one of the world's biggest I names in medicine: Alka-Seltzer I (I honestly am not making this I up).
Our last hope of dissing this I sport was the moral argument. In I these days of rising food prices, is I it right to eat 58 hot dogs in one I quick slurp? My gym friend said: I "If you knew what went into one I of those things, you wouldn't eat I one, let alone 58." A rigorous I investigation (that is, a quick I search via Google) revealed that I hot dogs are made of indigestible I parts of farm animals, such as the I hoof, the collar, the bell and name I tag saying "Daisy."
So that proves that doing I sports is bad for you. Okay lads, I back to die couch.