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The games are afoot
THE Olympics arc coming to Asia. The venues are rising majestically in Beijing. A canal has been built for rowing, a running track for running and a velodrome, for, er, veiling.
Now I know what you're thinking. Asians tend to be bookish types who hate sports.
But choice has nothing to do with it. It is absolutely vital that boys grow up with (he ability to conjure entire conversations out of inane sports statistics. This is a key tenet of man hood. Women often say that men are no good at talking about deep, serious
things, but you should hear the con-versadons we have when we're in a female-freeenvironment.
"What about Everton's two-nil clincher in the '84 cup?"
' Yeah Or Spurs' four-three against ManCity in'82."
"Yeah. Or West Bram's one-nil over
Everton, ’68."
"Yeah. Or Arsenal's three two against United in '79."
"Well, I guess 1 better be going.
Thanks, that was a really good chat."
So I decided to force my son to watch sports on TV to get an appetite for the Olympics. We were both soon
bored out of our minds. Then he came up with a brilliant idea. While Asia has got the games, we should Asian-ify them. We must give the Beijing Olympics a touch of eastern magic.
Here are ten proposed Asian games.
Subway face-off: Team A tries to get out of a subway train carriage while Team B tries to get in.
Synchronised smoking: 20 Marlboro in 20 minutes. Korea and Japan are tipped for the gold and silver medals in this one.
Moderated karaoke: An audience of singers and musicians will judge this, their brains wired to a cringe-o-metcr.
Noodle slurp: The award goes to whoever can down the longest noodle with a single slurp, no hands. Road racon This is a car racing sport with drivers having to swerve around bullock carts, rickshaw pileups, and massed platoons of terminally deaf scooter riders.
Toilet gymnastics: Contestants haw to use a traditional Asian squat toilet, a Western-style throne toilet, and a hi-tech Japanese toilet one after another Not easy.
Chopstick lunge: Four pork buns in the basket, five diners, ready-steady-Ro
Elevator leap: learn A has to close the lift doors before Team B reaches them.
Democracy demand: Each team has to organise a demonstration to ask for political reform in their country. (Most Asian citizens are well-practiced losers in this game.) Chilli chew-off: Teams eat red-hot peppers in relay form, finishing with those tiny green blow-your-head-off ones from Thailand. Medal for anyone who survives.
You know, the Asian media has always had a unique spin on this subject When an American boxer was arrested for rape a few years ago, Asian papers printed the story’under tlie heading "Sports News.* And almost every’year, when news about the Super Bowl in the United States is released, it appears under the heading "Bowling"
Having said that, there have always been sports associated only with Asia. Readers may remember the Mumbai man named Nayak who hardened his body so he could endure any pain. "He set a record by enduring 43 kicks to the groin from martial arts experts." the Indian press reported.
Suddenly, being a puny nerd doesn't sound so bad.
Next. Not sure, depends on what readers wnte to me about
Wnte to Nury at www vittachl.com to stop this column being blank next bme