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Art Buchwald's a COLUMN *

Help! A Homecoming
66 T TELLO, is this the Centers for Disease Control in I——I Atlanta?"
Yes. it is."
"I am calling because my son has Just graduated from college and he's coming home."
"What has that go to do with us?"
"Well, he hasn't cleaned his room for four years, and his mother and 1 were wondering what shots we need.”
"I see. Can you describe the room to us?"
"It's medium size. The bed is against the wall. He hasn't made It since we came up for Parents Day during his freshman year. There's a pile of dirty clothing by his bed."
"Could you tell me its height?"
"I'd say it's about four feet high. I can't be sure because once 1 asked him if there was anyone sleeping underneath the clothes and he said. 'I honestly don't know.'"
"I think you and your wife ought to have cholera shots for starters."
"Thank you. Off in one corner is what he called his study area. The last time we saw it. it was filled with old books, music CDs. yellowing term papers, beer cans and a banner that read. Well Beat Columbia If It Kills Us.""
"Was there a wastepaper basket in the corner?"
'Yes. it was overturned, and you could see Chinese food cartons, a torn Frisbee and a can of spoiled dog food."
"Might I suggest that you both get a typhus shot?"
That's what 1 told my wife you would say."
"What was hanging in the closet?" the CDC man asked.
"Nothing was hanging In the closet, everything was on the floor, except his skis. They were hanging in the closet."
"In that case. I would recommend a heavy dose of typhoid serum for both of you. We're not saying that you could get typhoid Just because all the clothes In your son's closet were on the floor. At the same time, when college kids come home, you never know which one is the carrier. Is there anything else you can tell me about the room that would give me clues as to what other inoculations you need?"
'Well, he had a hot plate next to the sink in his bathroom, and he hasn't washed the dishes for four years. It appears he kept buying new ones as the old ones got dirty. So all the dishes remained in the sink next to the burned pots and frying pans."
"I know' this may be a silly precaution, but I feel that you should both have yellow fever shots as well. Our CDC detective has found a lot of yellow fever being spread by unwashed pots and pans, particularly when they are used more than twice."
"1 can't believe we sent a boy away from home four years ago and all we get out of it are shots In our arms."
”1 know it doesn't seem right, but you people raised him to keep his room that way. and you have no one to blame but yourselves. After graduation, what does your son plan to do?"
"He wants to work at something that will improve the environment."
By arrangement with Los Angeles Times Syndicate and UNB.