AFTER watching Iha primaries. I have decided the Republicans are a lormore fun than anybody. They’re for cigarette smoking and also the- right to life To make things even more confusing, they're against gun control but for prayers in school. To be a Republican you cqn now have the best of all worlds and Pat Buchanan, too.

The party’s support of cigarette smoking doesn’t surprise me because the tobacco industry is one of the biggest contributors to political campaigns, and what candidate would dare refuse to take money from the Marlboro Man? Republicans are for free choice except when it comes to rape and incest and Lucky Strikes.

The GOP is sensitive when you raise the right-tp-life and gun ownership topics together.

The reason why the Republicans will fight to the death any laws that prevent people from buying guns is that the Republicans are so such better shots than the Democrats.

For example, if you put one member of each party on a rifle range and nave then shoot at a negative TV commercial, the Republican will hit a bull’s-eye every time. The Democrat can't hit the side of a TV screen.

When it comes to the right to life. GOPers prefer guns and liberal Democrats believe in butter. But the main reason the Republicans oppose a waiting period to purchase guns is that the National Rifle Association (NRA) has even more money to give the party than the tobacco industry.

The butter people say that between tobacco and guns the Republicans could wipe out half the population.

But the leaders of the elephant party say those casualties can be replaced by the babies they save once their candidate is elected president.

The questions are: do the tobacco people want anything in exchange for giving money to the GOP? And what does the NRA expect for its donations?

If you believe the chairman of the Republican party, when giving money neither lobby expects a legislative favour from Congress. The contributions are made solely to guarantee that America will have a better'government, a balanced budget and Pat Robertson conducting his TV show from the White House.

By arrangement with Los Angeles Times Syndicate and iUNB.