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Art Buchwald's COLUMN

Remember Pearl Harbour
Because I played a pivotal role in World War II and was the only person who told President Roosevelt not to invite the Japanese ambassador to the White House for Christmas carols, I am very nervous about the snarling that is going on between our two countries.
We became involved in World War II over trade problems with Japan. I am therefore anxious that this should not happen again, especially during the year when we are celebrating the 50th anniversary of the end of the Good War. For this reason I call Pearl Harbour by phone every Sunday morning.
"Is anything going on?" I usually ask a Navy lieutenant.
"Nothing unusual, sir. It's very peaceful, and the officers are still asleep."
"Get them up,'' I shout.
"Right now.'
"I can't do that on a Sunday morning. They all went to the club dance last night, and they are very tired. Is something wrong, sir?"
”1 have a hunch. Our gov ernment is thinking of ban ning the import of all Lexus cars, and the rumour is that the Japanese will boycott McDonald s French fries Look outside your window Do you see any airplanes coming in from the west?"
"No, sir. It's an uneventful Sunday morning in Pearl Harbour, and if we thought otherwise we would have ev eryone on alert "
"Where are the naval ves seis?”
"All lined up in the har hour, neat as a pin "
"Take them out of there right now."
"I can't do that Half the crews are on leave, and if we pulled them out they wou|dn t be able to find their way home ’
"Where are the tighter planes”
"Lined up on the runway exactly two feet apart, just as the Pentagon manual re quires."
"Spread the planes out in bunkers,"
"I can't do that, sir. The Air Force likes to line up its planes methodically."
"Lieutenant, have you ever heard the expression Tora, Tora, Tora" ?'
"Is that a car or a TV set?"
"It's a code word. That's what Japanese businessmen say to each other whenever they feel that they have lost on a big Toyota deal. The next thing you know, every salesman jumps into his bomlier cockpit and flies to Pearl Harbour "
"Have no fear, sir It couldn't happen here We are constantly on alert. Last Sunday a bunch of Japanese tried to break through by dumping Hyundai washing machines on the base Wait a minute. I think I can hear plane engines. Oh my word! There are a lot of them, and they have rising suns painted on the side They're not supposed to be.here."
"Then shoot them down "
"I can't sir."
"Why not?"
"Most of the officers here drive Infinitis, and they're not going to fire on their only source of spare parts."
"Lieutenant, our very way of life is threatened by the trade negotiations. There is now talk that if we ever boy cott. them, the Japanese will close down all the movie studios they own in Hollywood, which would mean the end of movie violence as we know it Get the troops out of bed and destroy anything that fires on you You owe it to the Navy Remember the Day of Infamy ’
"I hate to tell you this, su, but 1 don't even remember the Bay of Pigs "
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