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WRITE TO MITA
Dear Mita.
I liked your ahswer to the woman whose husband was being unfaithful to her. Sometimes women Just ask to be treated badly. I have a neighbour who has a similar story. She has been advised by friends and family to leave her husband but she Just will not listen. What ts the reason for such behaviour, can you explain?
Samira. Eskaton. Dhaka
Dear Samira.
The reasons for such behaviour are many and often valid. Financial dependency Is the most important one but so is emotional dependency. Then there is always the hope that "he might change". These women don't want to face reality and prefer to live in a make-believe world. Most will Jump to defend their husbands at the slightest hint of criticism. What they need to come out of such a situation is support from family and friends. Not Just advice to leave but support In terms of confidence building, career building, emotional Independence and finally, financial Independence. Then only she can take the step of leaving.
Dear Mita.
I did not agree with your advice to the woman whose husband has been having relationships with other women. How can you ask a woman with children to leave her husband? Where is she supposed to go? And what fs she supposed to do? To her father's house? And then become dependent on her father, or brothers? It Is better to tolerate the humiliation of the husband than to hear the taunts of a brother's wife. Also the social stigma Is strong against leaving the home. Your Ideas are too Western for our society. That ts why you give such advice.
Rima. Zhegatola. Dhaka.
Dear Rima.
I don't disagree with most of your points. This Is the reality. But we know It is unfair and unjust. So what should we do about it? Should women In similar situation continue to suffer In silence or try to change the situation? I am certainly not advocating leaving home no matter what. This Is a major decision for a woman and she has to consider all possible opUons before she finally decides to leave. There are a number of preparations and steps she has to take before taking the final one and the first one is the decision not to allow herself to be humiliated any longer, to once and for all draw the Une and say "so far and no more".
Dear Mita.
I am writing regarding your response to the second letter published in your column on the 2S August 1992.
My initial reaction to your response was, ’.. now that was unlike Mita.' Thot^/h I share to some extent your frustrations n hot it the circumstances described and the candour In your advice I also realize U is perhaps realistic to assume that, "he will never change.'
1 do not know whether the anonymous writer will be able to provide an answer to your question. 'Why have you allowed yourself to be treated this way?" Or, indeed, why did she subject herself to the humiliations and did not do anything about it?
This is how I appreciate her problem. No relationship is static and should not be taken for granted. Every relationship should involve a continuous process of defining needs and expectations by the parties from their respective positions. To a large extent this process determines changes, growth or decline tn relationships. Hence it would be ideal if parties maintained emotional, physical and financial independence as much as possible. However emotional and financial Independence alone, without being aware of this process, does not necessarily achieve anything. Rather the conscious participation in this process helps define the need, nature and extent of independence necessary, for a fruitful relationship, in the minds of the parties themselves.
It Is this process that the anonymous writer has perhaps not been conscious of. Not due to any fault of hers, Because we are conditioned to perceive ourselves as passive recipients In relationships rather than as active partners.
The letter of the anonymous writer bears signs of the beginning of such a process of rationalization and It is never too late. She needs empathy and support to continue U till she is able to define her own needs and expectations out of the relationship. Only then she will find the answers, more Importantly answers acceptable to herself.
Tahmina Rahman, Shyamoll Dhaka.
Dear Tahmina.
Although your letter does not seek advice. I am printing It because It is so well written and aptly captures the essence of what a healthy relationship should be.
Dear Mita.
I am, a university student of 20. About five years back. I was entk-ed by a young pretty looking lady. She always made me ven/ good with her charm. But finally I have unearthed her motive of cheating me. Please help me. advising tn regard to the solution of this problem. Because 1 am suffering
Md Kamal Hossain. GhataU. Tangall.
Dear Kamal.
If you are 20 now. then five years ago you must have been 15. Let me tell you al that age whatever you felt was not love. Moreover, you seem to have solved the problem, by unearthing her motive Please don't suffer any longer You are only 20 and have your whole life In front. This is the time to develop your personality and career So put your mind to that Instead of lamenting over something that occurred five years