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WRITE TO MITA
*** Run by a trained and experienced Family and Marriage counsellor, assisted by a professional team of doctor, psychologist and lawyer, this column will answer ques tions relating to family, marriage, health, family laws, and social and interpersonal relationships.
Please address letters to Mita. The Daily Star. GPO Box 3257 or to 28/1. Toynbee Circular Road. Motijheel. Dhaka 1000. ***
Dear Mita.
I cannot resist cashing in on free service you are extending to your readers. I approach you with a problem I have undergone for years — reticence — not deliberate but an Inherent one. This anomaly has brought me almost to my doom. And I wonder, if there is a way out Let me elaborate. Suppose I am in a position to argue in favour of something. I know that I have in my stock sufficient points to place before my counterpart. But words often fall me in the course of the discussion and I feel emharassed. Once when the discussion is over points more reasonable to out-argue him crops up in my mind, only to shove me into the gorge of repentance. I am also 111 at ease In presence of strangers. When I happen to talk to a person I have not seen before I stutter. How can I get over this problem ? Please advise.
to ask yourself some questions before you can be certain that you are indeed depressed; such as for how long have these symptoms been occurring or how often do you feel the way you have described above. If the symptoms are persistent and occur frequently than you should take professkmal help. There are many medicines which act as anti-depressant But remember only doctors with a training tn psychiatry are competent to prescribe such medicine. However the treatment should go hand tn hand with psychological counselling. The process Is time consuming and outside the realm of this column. For a beginning start with making a list qf things that upset you and also write down why they upset you. Take your husband's help, confide tn him. tf he is kind and considerate then he will surely help.
Anonymous, Chittagong
Dear Anonymous.
Your problem is basically a lack of self confidence from which we all suffer once In a while. I do not know your background to give any sound advise on how to gain self confidence but you can start by believing in yourself. Think qf all the things you have accomplished so far. about the friends you have or what you have done to help others. Remember before other people feel good about you, you will have to feel good about yourself Stuttering is also due to lack of confidence and nervousness. Consult a good and sympathetic doctor and find out f there Is any physiological reason for your struttering. My advise Is to find out your strong points and concentrate on developing them. Remember It Is not possible to argue and win every case. It is alright to lose, to become embarrassed, to look foolish etc. once In a while. We are, after all, human.
Dear Mita,
My husband is very reserved an quiet at home but with his friends he is a different person. He is jolly, talkative and entertaining. I have noticed this behavior for a long time but have never said anything hoping he might change on his own. Contrary to my expectation he has grown quieter or more reserved and hardly talks to me or the children. I am beginning to resent this but do not know how to approach him.
Rokeya, Ramna. Dhaka.
Dear Rokeya,
Problems such as yours Is common among married couples but Is often accepted quietly by most wives. Over the years this can become a big problem because a point comes when couples completely stop talking to each other. The fact that your husband talks to friends is an indication that he is not basically a reserved and quiet person. Have you ever tried to bring up topics qf his interest ? Try it this might work Once he starts talking, slowly draw him out Into areas that you really want to discuss such as children's upbringing etc. Remember getting angry and making accusations never help. He must be made to realise the benefits of communication and only then he might open up.
Dear Mita.
Lately 1 have been feeling very depressed but cannot understand the reason. I have two healthy children. 9 and 12 years of age, and a husband who is kind and considerate. Knowing full well that my actions will have an adverse effect on my family life 1 am not being able to get out of this feeling of dejection and llstncssness. I also have lost interest in my looks, my garden which I used to tend with such care. Please tell me what I should do ? Should I see a doctor ?
Rubina. Mahbagh. Dhaka.
Dear Rubina.
The term "depression" as commonly used Is very often misused to describe symptoms such as temporary feeling of unhappiness, boredom, or feeling 'down'. Actually being depressed is a serious psychological state qf mind which can have many serious implications If left untreated. You will have
Dear Mita,
I have been married for 10 years and I now feel there has been a breakdown in communication between us. I think my husband holds baek telling certain things to me and I do the same sometimes. I think he is not even Interested in what I am trying to tel) him. or what I think or feel. Life has become very boring and routime. This has been happennlng for quite sometime but since the children were young 1 had no time to worry about it. Recently 1 have started to realize that the fun has gone out of our marriage and that we just live togather as two strangers. Tell me, is this bound to happen in all marriages? I had very different expectations from our marriage. If there is still time I would like to do something about IL
Rubina, Dhaka.
Dear Rubina.
To answer your question, no. this is not bound to happen in all marriages, but it can happen very easily If one to not conscious about tL You are still communicating in many nonverbal ways but, this is not effective communication. You had certain expectations from your marriage but did not con sciously try to live up or help your partner live up to them. Your awareness of the problem is a step tn the right direction because couples let things slide and do not realize that the distance might become too wide to bridge. Someday. your course of action will of course very much depend on your husband. If he is willing to cooperate than I world suggest first talking about the problem with him. Analyse expectations both of you have from the marriage and how far they differ from one other. Take time off from your daily routine and spend time together. Try to recapture the romance and ex-cietement that you one felt, reminiscing can be a very exett tng experience and helps to recapture the spirit qf the early days. Decide to spend some time together everyday to discuss the day's events, etc. Do something interesting and out qf the ordinary, surprise him and most of all show him that you still care. It is not too late give it a try. it is worth U. Best qf luck.