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WRITE TO MITA
***Run by a trained and experienced Family and Marriage counsellor, assisted by a professional team of doctor, psychologist and lawyer, this column will answer questions relating to family. marriage, health, family laws, and social and interpersonal relationships.
Please address letters to Mita, The Dally Star. GPO Box 3257 or to 28/1, Toynbee Circular Road. Motijheel. Dhaka-1000.
Dear Mita.
I have started reading your column with great interest and hope it will continue for a long lime. You had once replied to the letter of a middle-aged woman whose husband’s behaviour had suddenly changed. I am facing the same problem: only mine seems more serious. Not only docs my husband snap and scold for no reason, he has started staying out late, something he never did. I suspect he is keeping bad company as I often receive slrangc telephone calls. I am getting worried and alarmed. Our marriage was never perfect but wc have never faced such a crisis before. Please advise. I do want to save lite marriage.
Shamccm, Shy molt.
Dear Shameem
You sound very alarmed but did not glue me enough information for me to understand the reason. Sudden change of behaviour tn a spouse can be very upsetting but there may be many undedylng factors which perhaps you have Ignored. First of all. have you tried talking to him? No. not tn an accusing manner, but as a friend who wants to share the problem and help. You will be surprised to know how many marriages break and couples drift apart due to lack of communication. Try to find the reason for his behaviour. Talk to his friends, try the office and make him lake a medical check-up. When you have exhausted all these possibilities anti the problem still persists please write to me and I shall he happy to counsel you.
Dear Mita.
I have a 8-year-old son who goes To one of the local English medium schools. 1 admit he is restless, at times aggressive, and lacks concentration. I am trying my best to change his behaviour but Ihc school docs not help at all. All I hear Is complaints about him and threats that next time he dobs anything wrong he will be thrown out of ihc school, lie never gets any encouragement from his tcaclxrs and is always made to feel inferior. This Is having a bad psychological impact on him and resulting in further aggressive behaviour. I do not want to change scltools as they are all the same. Pkasc advise me as to what 1 shall do.
Khuku. Malibagh.
Dear Khuku.
I understand and sympathise at your predicament. Our schools are not equipped to handle children who are a little out of the ordinary. As school counselling does not exist. One of the reasons for the teachers' Impatience is too many children tn the classroom. It Is hard for them to give Individual attention to all. leave alone problematic children. The school management has to agree with the teachers otherwise the teachers have been known to have threatened to quit. I know you have tried, but try talking to the teacher again and get to the root of the problem. Whatever you do please do not accuse her/him. Fbr yourself, continue to work on your son in modifying his behaviour, give him plenty of time and patience. While npst schools are the same I would advise you to look around and talk to headmistresses of schools on their policy with such children.
Dear Mita
I have been married for 22 years. Looking back I see years of adjustment on my side and very Hille from the side of my family. I have been always the one u> look after the needs of others w'liiic nobody ever cared to find oul what 1 wanted. Recently this thought has been bothering me as I realize tliat I have never done anything for myself. Now that the children have grown and my husband is vety wcll-cntrcnclicd tn hts career. I feel left oul and redundant. 1 feel my life has been a waslc and express my frustration by loosing my temper, arguing with my husband etc., who I blame for not encouraging me to pursue a career. I realize 1 am being unpleasant but cannot help IL What sltould 1 do? Is It Uxj late to do something worthwhile?
I.atl(a. Dhanmondt
Dear latifa.
I am sure many women will he able to relate to your problem as what you expressed plagues many women when they come to this stage of their lives. Women go through mid life crisis. when they go through biological and psychological changes.
First let me tell you that if you have raised happy, healthy children then your life has certainly not been a waste. What is important is to feel good about what you have done. Your selfimage and self esteem need a boost and you alone can achieve that with help from your family. What has happened is that they have taken you for granted as Is very common in our culture.
You must slowly make them realize that your life and your time Is as important as theirs. Please communicate with them, maybe they do not realize the pain they are causing
Another important point to remember Is. It Is never too late to start a career If you have the potential the will and the determination to do IL
Dear Mila.
What can one do about people who drop tn at all odd hours of the day? They do not seem lo know or care that their behaviour is creating problems for the host or hostess. It is Impossible to plan the day. organize duns r or lunch on time, discipline the children due to the lisonskkrulc behaviour of some. Dinner lime lias often been postponed to 10 or 10.30 because of them, at times my children have gone to bed hungry because I Itad no time to give llxm food. I do not warn to *ound snobbish or unfriendly bill this really upsetting and I want to put a stop to ft but don't know how.
Tasllma. Gulshan.
Dear Tasllma.
After having lived tn this culture all your life It la surprising such things still bother you. Hut yes. I agree, it is very annoying. I had written in one of my letters earlier that in our culture we do not have a very well-de/lncd concept of privacy. Titis is a legacy of our past feudal society and also the concept of Joint families. We are still trying to gel out of <1 but meanwhile sueh irritants will have to be taken In the stride. There are of course some measures that you can take to stop your life being totally taken over by 'those people’. You can excuse yourself at dinner time or say the children udl hate to be Jed. If you have school-going children or young children then you can legitimately be more strict. Remember. if you tell people tn a paltu- but Jirm manner then ultimately people respect your wishes.