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SHOUT’S BIG GRAND ULTIMATE TOTALLY REAL HOROSCOPE FOR 2021
STAR BOY
For a wonderful stretch of over 5 years, SHOUT published a weekly “horoscope” every week. It was hard work here at the office as we pored through the ancient star charts, spent hours on the numerology, and used complex AI to predict the possible birth years of our future readers and used their birth charts to come up with highly reliable advice, warnings, and premonition.
But with the advent of modern science and the horrendous waste of print space that is Playwatch, SHOUT has not featured horoscopes for about a year. Yet, like Ali in the jungle, like Nelson in jail, like Simpson in the mountains, SHOUT Horrorscopes have been down but never out. By popular demand, we are BACK. And we know exactly what you need to hear for a start to 2021 that is not objectively good, but still better than the fecal masterpiece that was 2020!
ARIES
High atop a mountain, a bird nests. It’s a beautiful bird, with golden feathers, a hooked beak, and a head that looks like a backwards beret. You are the bird, dear reader. And the nest, your lep.
TAURUS
Attila could scarcely believe his eyes as Rome loomed before him, its military might matched if not overshadowed by the weight of its history. He cowered. He looked to the East and saw Constantinople, and it gave him a nosebleed so powerful, he died.
GEMINI
Peace can be achieved in the Middle East only if you put your hand inside a random pocket of a random pair of pants in your closet and find a 5 taka note that is damaged on three corners. Three, not four.
CANCER
Posh (!) kids of Dhanmondi laugh at Mohammadpur kids, posh kids of Gulshan laugh at Dhanmondi. Baridhara laughs at Gulshan and it goes on and on until there are only tears, and no more kids.
LEO
Yodelling is not real. I refuse to believe that a human being can produce such noises from the epiglottal vicinity of their mouth cavities, it is a computer trick! Kishore Kumar was a computer!
VIRGO
Niagara falls because it’s low in confidence. Give him some words of encouragement, show him that failure is not the be all and end all that everyone says it is. Niagara doesn’t need medication, it needs love.
LIBRA
English, as a language, has run its course. You need to come up with a simple mode of universal communication made up only of sighs, groans, moans and gasps. Consonants are old news. Vowels – that’s where the money’s at.
SCORPIO
Water will be what causes the third world war. It is why I have been hoarding water, it is also why I have a urine infection and also the reason why I should have graduated. Kids, go to university. Maybe look at the bottom part of this page.
SAGITTARIUS
“Youth is a state of mind” is something that only old people say and if you’re old, I feel sorry for you because you are the reason we have climate change. Can you just retire and let 20-year olds do things?
CAPRICORN
Enraged at the suggestion that tit might be a bit too much for tat, he launched himself into a vicious attack of quid, only to be matched by quo. That’s when the eyes looked at each other and shut their lids for the night.
AQUARIUS
Annie threw an apple at the doctor every day until he left their neighbourhood and now every time someone has diarrhoea in Proverbland, they die. Is this the future you wanted, (ask Siri who comes up with proverbs)?
PISCES
Raw strength, practiced intellect, and a well calibrated emotional barometer can combine to create a wonderful person. Unless you put in chemical X. Then you have the best cartoon in the world!
Light and air pollution over the Dhaka sky has made it difficult for star boys such as myself to accurately horoscopate, but it has not stopped us. Let this be your inspiration, dear reader. You are me, and 2020, your starless sky.
2021 may turn out to be much of the same, but at least you’ll be prepared.
DESIGN: KAZI AKIB BIN ASAD